The biological basis of attraction and love

Have you ever wondered how what we refer to as ‘romantic love’ works. Romantic love is simply an evolutionary drive meant to keep people attached to the best possible mates available to them. There has to be 3 elements, which are all driven by different biological neurochemicals and hormones.… attraction, connection and lust. Connection is synonymous with attachment in the diagram below, so you can use the words interchangeably.

You need the attraction/lust chemicals (Dopamine, Norepinephrine) the lust/sex chemicals (Testosterone, Estrogen) and then the love/attachment/bonding hormones (Oxytocin, Vasopressin)

The attraction and lust chemicals are so closely linked that we’ll lump them all together, because when you have one, you generally have the other.

Attraction — Dopamine

This is the heart pounding, feeling of excitement you may get around someone you find attractive. Sweaty palm, racing heart and all the other nervous effects. It’s the chemical that makes people nervous when they’re around someone they’re attracted to.

Attachment — Oxytocin

Also known as the cuddle hormone. This chemical is responsible for feelings of comfort and social bonding. It’s that warm fuzzy feeling you get toward loved ones. It gets released when we’re around family members or friends that we’re not attracted to. When a mother gives birth Oxytocin is released in enormous amounts and it’s actually necessary for childbirth. During pregnancy complications Picotin (synthetic Oxytocin) is given to strengthen labor contractions. It’s also released during nipple stimulation and while cuddling.

Lust — Sex Hormones

These hormones get released when it’s time to do the deed. They’re responsible for erections, vaginal lubrication, and the desire to be intimate.

Let’s see what happens when these hormones are released in isolation:

If you just have attraction/sex hormones.. it’s lust. It may result in a one night stand, but it won’t result in a long term relationship, because there’s no bond.

If you just have the bonding chemicals (Oxytocin) it’s a friendship or family situation. It’s love without attraction. This chemical being released without the attraction chemicals is responsible for the much talked about “Friend Zone” phenomonom.

If you have both the sexual attraction, lust and bonding chemicals, you get a long term relationship, although attraction may wane over time leading the relationship to revolve more around the connection.

So there you have it. A scientific explanation of our most common human relationships and the chemical that drive them.